The Art of Saying No: Preserving Your Personal Plans
You've never been one to watch the clock. Your approach to work is a healthy mix of calling it a (looong) day and the occasional catch up on the weekends for project work. That mix gets tossed when your boss appears in the doorway as you're packing up. They sheepishly reveal that a "demanding" client wants a significant, last-minute change before green-lighting a proposal. To salvage this revenue opportunity, you're being asked to stay later than late. Is it Groundhog Day because this is the third time in as many weeks that you've donned your first responder's cap for a crisis not of your making? You're the ideal staff member to save the day, but the timing is anything but ideal. You have an amazing night ahead of you, and canceling these long-awaited plans just can’t happen. All that remains is that minor issue of saying ‘No’ to your boss. Feeling a little queasy? Not to worry; we've got words to settle those nerves.
Let’s keep it real. Saying nothing would be weird. Your big concerns are saying ‘No’ (and dealing with the consequences) or doing the work (and your boss not realizing the personal impact.) The consistent requests for late nights, early mornings, and ample weekends is now chronic. Even if you intend to say ‘Yes’ one final time, the impact to you needs to be made known. A direct request deserves a direct response.
The Shirelles got it right, “Mama said there’d be days like this”…especially if you are a salaried employee. It’s not wrong to say ‘No’, but there are ways to be wrong with your delivery. "You know, I'd love to, but I've been invited to host this summer's Shark Week and we start filming tomorrow. I'll be back next week though." Making light of your Leader’s request, albeit a frustrating one, sullies your completely valid ‘No’. Keep your response free of digs and sarcasm. Equally ineffective is the temptation to respond with hostility. "Are you serious? Again with this? Do you realize how many (air-quotes) favors (close-air-quotes) I have actually done for you this month?" Vitriol is unwarranted and unprofessional. Commit to saying ‘No’ without casting aspersions or collapsing into mean-spirited defensiveness. Your frustration is understandable, but reacting with pettiness or anger puts the focus on you as a "difficult employee" and not on your leader’s last-minute request. Fortunately, there's an off-ramp to this annoyance…no GPS required.
Be brief with your boundary-setting reply. It can be tempting to over explain in the moment, but you're ready to deliver an answer that is definitive and direct. "I’d like to help, but I'm not available this evening." is a solid place to start. If that lands as too stark, the response of, "I have a long-standing commitment so unfortunately I can't work tonight." offers clarity and closure. And if your typical reply is "yes" then "It's rare that I say 'no', but I have to this time." will serve as a good reminder.
Those responses are certainly appropriate, and if you want to demonstrate Leadership (with a capital ‘L’), assert your boundary and offer one or two alternative solutions. The following responses show maturity, skill, and a willingness to find a way to get a Win (with a capital “W”) for all:
"I wish I could help, but I already have plans I can't change. Is it possible to tackle this first thing in the morning?"
"Bummer. I've got something important on my calendar tonight. I’m happy to quickly sort out a Plan B."
“This sounds important, but I’m not available tonight to finish this up. I might have an alternate if you’re interested.” You know the answer will be a desperate “Yes, pah-leeze!”
Ask a few clarifying questions first:
“What’s the absolute latest deadline to file this report?”
“Is the deadline negotiable?”
Offer viable alternatives:
“I know Sunil understands this report as well. I’ll call him to see if he can help.”
“I can’t stay tonight but can rally my team tomorrow morning starting at 7am. With three of us on this, we should get this done in 30 minutes.”
“I have a good relationship with Cornelia. I’ll give her a call to see if I can buy us some time.”
There are countless commitments that could (and should) take priority over work, but at the end of the day (literally) ask yourself 1) Is my decline reasonable? YES. 2) Did I communicate it respectfully? YES. 3) Did I try to find an alternative solution? YES. Now enjoy your time!
P.S. Many requests, and the deadlines for them, can be flexible (time & resources.) None-the-less, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to meet these asks without ever exploring wiggle-room (more time & different resources.). Always ask before you struggle to act. The worst you could be told is “Sorry, Charlie.”
“It took me a lot of trial and error to come to this, but gracefully turning people down has gotten me much farther than taking on non-promotable tasks for fear of disappointing others.”
Paige Cohen, senior editor, Harvard Business Review
“The most simple step you can take to setting boundaries at work is to be anything but quiet. Speaking to your manager about what isn’t working and what your personal goals are can make all the difference. Try having those meaningful conversations often to set up a system of accountability. That builds some equity into the culture. That feels good for you, your well-being and it’s good for the company.”
Jim Harter, chief scientist, Workplace Management & Wellbeing, Gallup
Don’t stop now! Learn more from a few of our personal favs below:
Disclosure: The resources shared and listed by KKL & Co. are those that have been evaluated to be of high value to our leaders. We are proud affiliates for some of these resources, meaning if you click a link and make a purchase, we earn a nominal commission at no extra cost to you. Please don’t spend any money on these resources unless you believe they will help you become a better human.
