Respectfully Recovering From Pronoun Slip Ups
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I’ve got great news! We are ahead of our targeted deadline and a huge part of that progress belongs to Kris. She’s been instrumental in keeping us on track and because of her efforts, we will launch two weeks ahead of schedule.” High fives ensue but it’s a tepid response at best. Kris is avoiding eye contact, and the rest of the team is equally hard to read. The awkwardness has you stumped so you pull Phillip aside afterwards, “Hey, this is a big win. What am I missing?” Phillip replies, “You’ve been missing quite a lot. Kris has been using they/them pronouns for several months, and you’re the only one who continues to overlook this.” Feeling contrite, you’re left to consider the words that might repair any damage you’ve caused. Whether you’re an expert on gender inclusive language or bewildered by what went wrong, we’ve got what you need to handle this conversation with dignity and respect.
There’s a deeply human pull to go quiet after making a mistake with language. All you can hear is a voice saying, “You’ll probably screw this up again so keep your mouth shut and don’t make it worse.” But that voice is wrong and here’s why; not addressing the mistake and the fact that your employee has changed their pronouns is the equivalent of telling them they don’t matter. (Remember that teacher, colleague, or Great Aunt who never ever got your name right? It’s the rare person who wouldn’t feel the sting of invisibility when we’re treated as less than memorable.) Even though your mistake is not malicious, you can’t assume it didn’t cause hurt and/or embarrassment. When it comes to understanding gender identity and inclusion, you can trust and believe that your employee has been through an important process of self-identification. As a leader in your organization, you are responsible for guaranteeing that everyone’s self-selected name and pronouns are respected.
Rewind to Phillip’s statement that it is indeed you; you’re the problem for making the mistake and now it’s on the table for public consumption. You had every intention of making today about Kris’ excellence, but instead you react with, “Are we seriously talking about pronouns? I don’t care what Kris’ pronouns are…she, I mean he, they…whatever! Kris is a great employee and that’s what matters!” Aha. With one reckless sentence, you’ve established that Kris’ value is merely a contribution to the bottom line and their identity transition is irrelevant. An equally sideways response is to over-apologize, which only compounds an already uncomfortable situation and centers the attention on you. And if you are tempted to get defensive by feigning ignorance, don’t add insult to injury. Phillip has already established that the entire team has been using the correct pronouns for several months. Your job is to sincerely apologize and congratulate Kris, which includes acknowledging all of Kris today.
It’s possible that discussions about pronouns and gender expansive language are new to you. But you know who isn’t new to this conversation? You guessed it…your Gen Z employees. According to the National Institute of Health, 56% of Gen Z workers indicate that they know someone who uses gender neutral pronouns, which has equipped them with specific skills and attitudes. You aren’t the first person to misgender Kris, but you can model a better response by offering a simple and sincere apology. Include a correction and then move on. “Kris, I misgendered you. That was careless of me, and I will use your preferred pronouns going forward.” Or “I’m sorry for disrespecting you by not using your preferred pronouns. This is all a bit new to me. I will work hard to use they/them, and please call me out if I slip up.”
Take daily actions to demonstrate your commitment to a gender inclusive workplace:
Tap into your Gen Z team members for some informal education.
Open a future meeting by stating your pronouns and encourage your employees to do the same. (This should be voluntary; no one should be mandated to reveal their pronouns but creating a safe space to do so is a solid start.)
Politely correct anyone who makes the same error you did. “Hey [Colleague], just a heads up that Kris uses they/them pronouns. I know they’d appreciate it if you acknowledged it going forward.”
Use gender-neutral language in all communications. Instead of “guys,” or “Ladies and Gentlemen,” say “team” or “everyone”.
Share a template for email signatures that includes preferred pronouns.
Finally, remember that the true expert on this topic is the person with the expansive pronouns and that includes Kris. Get curious and ask questions. This will go a long way towards building trust. Choosing to use the right pronouns shows you are serious about inclusion and respect. It’s the kind of effort that makes people proud to work in such a welcoming and safe environment.
“Understanding gender as a spectrum — and approaching your business endeavors with this in mind — will open new possibilities for all your customers and employees. A new gender reality has been unfolding and expanding rapidly, and businesses have a true opportunity to lead and grow rather than simply comply.”
Lisa Kenney, co-founder and CEO, Reimagine Gender
“When we create environments where people feel cared for, that inevitably makes people recommit to the organization and feel a deeper sense of belonging, which creates a more successful company. People can encounter people from different backgrounds [in the workplace] that they've never met before. We have far more in common than apart.”
Alok Vaid-Menon, activist; author, Beyond the Gender Binary
“At the end of the day, understanding gender pronouns isn't just a matter of political correctness. Instead, it's about acknowledging and affirming the diverse range of gender identities that exist beyond what we see as traditional "gender" norms - and about making our colleagues feel as comfortable as possible so we can all enjoy working well together. Our language matters, so let's use it to make the workplace a better place for everyone.”
Rebekah Pierce, freelance writer, Gender Pronouns in the Workplace: What They Are and Why They Matter
Don’t stop now! Learn more from a few of our personal favs below:
Disclosure: The resources shared and listed by KKL & Co. are those that have been evaluated to be of high value to our leaders. We are proud affiliates for some of these resources, meaning if you click a link and make a purchase, we earn a nominal commission at no extra cost to you. Please don’t spend any money on these resources unless you believe they will help you become a better human.
